Tablet of Cow-Bezoar for Cold Trouble

As it was bound to happen, while running myself ragged backpacking through China, I’m sick with a sinus infection. I now have the opportunity (yay!) to try some more interesting Chinese medicine.

Note. You can just walk into a pharmacy and ask for medication that in the USA would require a prescription… But there is also no Tylenol or Motrin that you can just pick up at a CVS – so every medicine buying trip is an adventure. And a game of charades.

Pharmacy #1. Beijing. Went in and asked for antibiotics. Left with some weird antibiotics from Bangladesh. Helped a bit. Possibly.

Pharmacy #2. Beijing. By some miracle found an English speaking doctor/ pharmacist and acquired what I believe to be some kind of decongestant. Also helped a bit. Possibly.

Pharmacy #3. Xi’an. Found Azithromycin Tablets and something that comes up in Google as “Tablet of Cow-bezoar for Cold Trouble”. It was either that or some sort of odd liquid that said “Infusion of Fragrant Solomonseal and Hawthorn Fruit” Research indicates that it appears to be similar to a Tylenol Cold tablet. I'm sure it's legit though. And old Chinese woman in a lab coat, who spoke no English, sold it to me with the antibiotics for the equivalent of $5 USD.

As I have not had any adverse symptoms, I’m feeling optimistic about my cow–bezoar.

At the very least, I feel like I’ve stepped into a potion’s class in a Harry Potter novel with all this talk of bezoars and infusions of hawthorn extract. If I’m going to be sick, at least I feel like I’m a wizard.

Hopefully that with the combination of some good rest will make me feel better.

Hermes and Scorpion Shish Kabobs

I’m in Beijing – the only city on earth that you can buy a $10,000 Hermes handbag and a bamboo skewer of deep fried scorpions on the same block.

You can’t make this stuff up. One minute, I’m walking down the street window-shopping, and a lady saunters out of Hermes with a new Birkin.

Then BAM!, I turn the corner and there’s an entire street of food vendors selling a bizarre, but mostly delicious, assortment of food. Including live scorpions on a skewer, just waiting to be fried up and eaten. Tasty.

Scorpion not your thing? How about a starfish or an innocent baby seahorse? 

People actually eat these too. I watched a Chinese kid down three deep fried scorpions that we alive just seconds before. Granted, it appeared to be on a dare, but he still ate them - he said they were crunchy.

I’m not that adventurous in my food consumption, but I did try some candied grapes and some chicken kabobs.

Realizations

Yesterday, while walking around Shanghai, I came to three conclusions.

First, I must look like I know what I’m doing and where I’m going. Over the past few weeks of traveling, I’ve found that most places I go, I get little groups of tourists (both Western and Chinese) discretely following me around, looking for what to do… through the subway, when I go to get in line to buy tickets, through a museum, etc.

I have no idea why. I live in a near constant state of confusion here in China… I think it’s because I walk quickly and with purpose. And I read signs. Most tourists stand around with a map out, spinning in circles… I try not to do that.

Second, I must look like I want to buy stuff. I would estimate that I get approached three times more than the average person on the street about buying fake watches, or roller blade wheels for my shoes, or whatever bizarre crap people are peddling that day. Admittedly, I generally am in the market to buy something, but why on earth would I want some weird light up bird that makes annoying noises and flies around on a plastic string?

 

Finally, and most significantly, I’m not nearly aggressive enough to compete with the Chinese tourists. For some reason I’m uncomfortable with shoving the elderly, children, and women holding babies aside, just to get to the front of the line… or close enough to the glass of the aquarium to see the fish, for example…

I thought I was in for a leisurely day of viewing some lovely marine wildlife at the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium.

Not so much.

 I was literally herded from exhibit to exhibit, trying to avoid getting trampled by families. It was still pretty cool though. The aquarium part, not the part where I was being body checked out of the way so that parents could get pictures of their children in front of every type of fish known to mankind.

I find this to be such a paradox, because if you get on the subway, people become civilized again. An old man gets on, three people get up so that he can have a seat. Pregnant woman? Never has to stand up on the subway. But at tourist destinations, all rules, and apparently manners, are gone. It’s survival of the fittest… And I don’t have the evolutionary drive to want to see any tourist attraction that badly.

Oh, China…

Mystery Meat

When eating in foreign countries, especially China, you have to suppress your natural assumptions about what food should be like.

Imagine this scenario:

You are walking down the street in China. You are hungry. You smell a delicious aroma emanating from a barbeque stand on the side of the road. You walk over and see meat on bamboo skewers that looks tasty. It costs less than $1 USD for three.

How would you react?

Obviously, you buy some. You’re probably wondering what type of meat you’re buying, but hey, you’re in China, so you just go with it. Perhaps you are considering what type of spice is on the meat. You might even be hoping in the back of your mind that this vendor practices a minimum level of food safety.

But nowhere in that sequence of events did you imagine that you were buying three skewers of grilled animal fat.

And that’s what I mean by suppressing your innate assumptions. As an American, it’s just not an option to buy a skewer of fat at home, so I’ll admit it didn’t even occur to me that’s what I might be buying.

And honestly, I was really disappointed, because the seasoning was actually quite delicious, but I just couldn’t choke down whatever it was that I ordered.

I’m going to have to look more closely at my food in the future.

Crotchless Pants.

In this blog, I would like to explore the phenomena of crotch-less pants for children. They're all the rage in China. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a visual.

The concept for these beauties revolve around potty training. Let's play pros and cons.

Point one. Crotch-less pants are good for the environment. When you live in a country with well over a billion people, what to do with your trash is a serious concern. These pants theoretically replace diapers for a certain age group. However, this leads to a large quantity of poop and pee on the street. And on the sidewalk. Basically, anywhere outside and a lot of places inside… and no one to clean it up. But hey, if you've got to go, you've got to go.

Side Note: The thing that I really find fascinating, is for a culture so concerned about the spread of germs, hygiene, doesn't seem real high on the list of priorities.

Point two. Crotch-less pants save you money. Diapers are expensive. If you don't have to buy diapers, perhaps you can take an extra trip or two to Starbucks. And Starbucks is delicious. I'm just saying.

Point three. Crotch-less pants make it easier to potty train your kids. Maybe. True, you don't have to worry about pulling your pants up and down, but you've still got to be concerned with aim… It seems a bit too easy to "miss." It probably does help with technique for the squat toilets, so maybe I'm being a bit xenophobic with my aversion to this particular fashion statement.

Point four. With crotch-less pants you're ready to go at a moment's notice. But isn't this just a bit counterproductive? An adult (with a few notable exceptions) wouldn't just whip it out on the sidewalk and answer nature's call… Why would you encourage your kids to? Plus it weirds me out a bit to turn a corner and come face to face with a child's genitalia.

I searched the Internet for some statistics and information regarding potty training using diapers v. crotch-less pants, but I couldn't find anything concrete, so the debate remains open.

The consensus amongst the village foreigners is that diapers are still the way to go. Of course the conversation then segued into a discussion on ass-less chaps. But really, aren't all chaps ass-less?

You Can Fit Anything on a Scooter.

I have just about 2 months of anecdotal proof that you can meet all you your transportation needs with a Vespa.

Need to carry a new door home? Easy. It's all about balance.

Grandma needs to go somewhere with her wheel chair? Clearly the most practical solution is to keep her in the chair and tie it to the back of the scooter with a bit of rope. Hang on Granny.

It's raining? No big deal. Cover yourself with a trash bag and take to the streets.

 

Family of five out for an outing? Dogs? Chickens? Furniture? You are limited only by your imagination.

Now combine this with the fact that there are no apparent road rules and the knowledge that nobody in the village has had a drivers license for more than 5 years. Cars are that new here.

The result. Chaos.

Here's a picture of the evening traffic from my bedroom window. Can you tell which direction traffic is supposed to be heading? I didn't think so.

Only in China...

… do you see a man in an expensive suit get out of a 7 series BMW carrying a live chicken.

… do you see a child riding on the back of a scooter doing homework while their mom weaves in and out of traffic.

… is it normal for your cab driver to pull into oncoming traffic to go around someone driving "slow".

… do random strangers want you to pose with them in their pictures.

… do you get seated in the middle of every restaurant you go to so the other patrons can stare at you as they eat. (This is especially true if there are multiple foreigners.)

… does the term personal space mean absolutely nothing.

… do you hear and see fireworks go off at all hours of the day for no reason whatsoever.

… do you see impeccably dressed women in heels and Chanel shades launch a snot rocket on the street.

… do you get served a tiny glass of hot water at every meal, regardless of the temperature outside.

… do you get excited when the pastry you just bought is actually filled with chocolate instead of red bean paste.

… does a cup of coffee cost more than a case of beer.

… do grown men and women say hello to you, then run away giggling when you say hello back.

… do you use Kleenex for table napkins, toilet paper, cleaning, wrapping food to go, etc.

… do you play eenie meenie miney moe at a restaurant, because they only have a Chinese menu and you've already committed by walking in the door and getting seated.

… do you see nothing wrong with standing on the center stripe in the middle of a 4 lane highway as cars and scooters zoom by at 50 mph.

… can you find just about any food on a stick.

… is being served dog when you go out to eat no longer your greatest culinary fear.

… do you see children with crotch-less pants peeing on the sidewalk.

If It Has a Red Stamp, It’s Official.

In the USA, police officers carry a badge and a gun and are most often male. In China, they tend to be women carrying a rubber stamp and a boatload of red ink. At least that's what it seems like to me.

Today I had to go to the police station to apply for my residency permit, now that my health check and foreign experts certificate have cleared. Going to the police station in China doesn't really carry the same connotations that it does in the USA.

Here the police station is really like a huge government building. It's where you go to pay taxes, get your passport and drivers license, register in town, and find a job! It's one stop shopping for Chinese public services.

I walked into the building past the job line. From how it was explained to me, it seems less like an unemployment office and more like a head-hunter – apparently you go there to register as unemployed, tell them what type of job you are looking for and they basically assign you a job. There is still an interview/hiring process that is left up to the company, but this government service will actually find you a job.

I had to go up to the 4^th floor to process my paperwork. I filled out a few standard forms… name, birthday, passport number… but they also made me fill out a form that asked about my resume, hobbies, and family members. Why the Chinese government would care that I have a little brother named Jeff and that I like to read and SCUBA dive is beyond me.

I sat in a chair for 20 minutes while the police officer flipped though my residency paperwork and stamped everything with a red stamp. She stamped about 1,000 pieces of paper. Passport copies, health forms, foreign expert card, and hundreds of pages that had nothing but Chinese writing and red stamps.

They love to red stamp things here in China. Restaurant receipts. Grocery store receipts. Taxi receipts. And all government documents. They stamped the shit out of those papers.

Also, they actually keep track of foreigners here in China. When you give a hotel your passport to check in, it's more than a formality. You are entered into "the system." They knew at the police station in Haimen at 8:30 on Monday morning, that I checked into a hotel in Shanghai on Saturday night. Very interesting.

I should have my passport back with my residency permit by next week. I will be an official and legal resident of China.

The Medical Assembly Line

This morning I had to go to Nantong (the closest big city) to get my Chinese medical exam done to get my residency permit. And yes, I did just go through the exact same thing in the United States before I left. But the Chinese government, actually, governments in general, seem to be big on redundancy.

It was definitely one of the top 10 weirdest experiences of my life. Generally speaking, I'm not a huge fan of being poked and prodded. But if it absolutely must happen, I prefer to have a detailed description and explanation of what is going to happen, and why, before said poke. Being that I'm in China, where they speak Chinese, and my current vocabulary only extends to greetings, colors, numbers, and food, I was pretty much out of luck in the explanation department.

This is basically what my morning looked like:

I arrived at the Jiangsu International Travel Healthcare Center around 10:00 and my coworker and I stood around awkwardly, being stared at like circus freaks, while our liaison filled out our paperwork. Then we headed upstairs to the exam rooms. We had eight objectives - blood test, x-ray, ultrasound, vision, pee in a cup, ear/nose/throat, dental, height and weight, and EKG.

The best way to describe what happened next was an assembly line of medical exams (with the word line used loosely). Do you remember in elementary school when there would be a Halloween party and all of the different classrooms came up with a special activity, and then you roamed the halls darting in and out of each room? That's EXACTLY what this was like.

The blood test came first, and was a little scary due to its brevity. We stood in line, then stuck our arm through a window, like a drive through, where it was summarily tied up, stuck, and cotton-balled. Then you were quickly shooed off so the next person could sit down (I checked to be sure about the needle disposal, I promise).

After that, there was a lot of running around. I'd come out of one exam room, and my liaison would holler, "JULIE! HERE!" and I'd scamper across the hall to try to beat out the other people competing for the room. There was no privacy or doors, just rooms with a Chinese 'doctor' at a desk and a chair or bed for the patients. Everybody was running around and giggling and staring at the white people. It was a little bit like an obstacle course combined with a scavenger hunt, trying to get your medical form filled out the fastest.

Dental involved opening my mouth for a guy who glanced inside, grunted, "good," and shooed me out the door. Vision was an eye test where I'm not sure she even wrote down my answers. Ear/nose/throat involved having each of my nostrils lifted briefly before being gestured out. The EKG was a little freaky, since it involved approximately 1,000 sensors on suction cups, most of which wound up in awkward positions in and around my cleavage, plus clamps on my wrists and legs, and a paintbrush that was wet with what I hope was water.

Then I got to pee in a tiny plastic cup, in a bathroom with only squat toilet stalls with NO DOORS, and then carry the cup through the busy hallway without spilling it. The cup was then left on top of a piece of paper, presumably with my information on it, on a long folding table covered with hundreds of pieces of paper and little cups of pee.  Not very secure… It would be easy to switch your pee with someone else's if you knew something was wrong with it. Also, Chinese people need to drink more water. There was some freakishly dark pee in there.

The X-rays and ultrasound were unremarkable, which was a little disappointing—I thought they would definitely be weirder. Finally I stood on a scale and got my blood pressure taken, and that was that.

The whole thing was over in less than half an hour.  I wish I could have taken pictures.

The Not-so-Great Wall

I knew before I got to China that I was going to have trouble accessing a significant part of the Internet. According to Wikipedia, there are about 2600 blocked URLs in China, ironically, including most of Wikipedia.

Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Tumblr, Blogger, uncensored news sources, and websites dealing with human rights, Tibet, Taiwan, Amnesty International, the Nobel Peace Prize, and Falun Gong are blocked.

I don't have access to this blog.

Luckily, I found a way to e-mail posts, but I have no way to know if it is working, what the posts look like, or if the pictures are showing up. So if the blog looks funny or there are random errors or something, I have no way of fixing it. Sorry.

China also doesn't seem to like anything to do with Google so access my e-mail is a little sketchy. Skype seems to work most of the time. Feel free to Skype me @ jjohnson4249.

I thought I was being clever by purchasing a VPN before I left, which in theory re-routes the IP address of my computer in China to an IP address in another country, thus allowing me to bypass the firewall. Apparently, China is catching on to this, and my VPN doesn't work. Bummer.

Bottom line: One of the things that we take for granted in the USA is the ability to access information. I didn't realize how dependent I was on Facebook and YouTube until I didn't have access to them.